Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Guy Crouchback: Good For America?
In order to spare you the suspense, loyal readers, I'll begin by telling you the answer: no.
Mr. Crouchback is suspicious in many ways, seditious in others, and on the whole oleaginous and boxy. He is to be feared and stopped. And I've tried, Lord knows, I've tried. But it is very difficult to wrestle an oily crate to the ground. Perhaps a recounting of some of his exploits will raise the appropriate alarm in you, faithful persons. To date, he has, among other things, completed or attempted the following things:
1) Has attempted to kill Christopher Buckley on 17 separate occasions. Attempt 1-15 failed, 16 suceeded, and he failed again with the 17th. Buckley now taunts him by sending him notes on Brooks Brothers stationery (which I didn't even know they made) saying simply, "thanks for the nap." No one is quite sure why Crouchback wished death on Mr. Buckley, but it is suspected that the character of Colonel Murfletit in Buckley's Little Green Men was based on Crouchback, who was not pleased with the characterization.
2) Speaks French with a Ugandan accent, Japanese with a Dutch accent, and English like a cross between Cartman and Deputy Dog.
3) Considers Communists and Anarchists too wimpy and lacking in vision. Once harangued Manuel Ortega for three hours with his concept of "Super-Awesome Communardenvironarchy." Ortega was later heard to say (in Spanish) "Dude, that guy is hard-[blanking]-core! PLEASE keep him AWAY from me." The former Nicaraguan leader had also wet himself sometime during Crouchback's oration.
4) Uses his immense physical size to annoy others. For example, his favorite pastime, besides murder, is to go to a children's movie, find the smallest child in the theater, and then sit directly in front of him or her, even if he must evict the person currently occupying the seat he wants. If the child or his/her parent complains, Crouchback immediately yells to the entire theater choice information about the existence of various holiday figures. If the child indicates that he or she is unimpressed by this revelation, he leans in to within an inch of the child's face, bares his vampiric canines (he has them sharpened, but they were abnormally long to begin with) and says quietly, "I'll see you in your dreams." The last child he did this to had to be institutionalized. Granted, it was at one of the better boarding schools, but the kid was still pretty freaked out.
5) Prefers Leno to Letterman, and Larry King to all others.
6) Has not actually read any Evelyn Waugh, and reveals as much by pronouncing said author's first name as "Robert."
7) Is friends with one John Flory, who is a known avowed avower of vows.
8) Played chess with Death, and strangled Death to death after the latter would not acknowledge "king me" as a legal chess move.
9) Has an SUV which he keeps running always. When it is parked, he has a robot that fuels the vehicle before it runs out of gas (about every 15 minutes). The robot is fueled by the blood of third-world children, and the fuel the robot uses to replenish the SUV is flown by jet from whaterver is the farthest point in the U.S. (including Alaska and Hawaii) relative to the SUV. Furthermore, the jet uses an extremely sophisticated targeting system to guide the drop to the nearest point to the SUV which is also occupied by cute little puppies or kittens. The targeting system will also trade off a little more distance from the target in order to crush a greater number of puppies or kittens.
10) Has not noticed that I've revived my blog. ¶ 10:48
Mr. Crouchback is suspicious in many ways, seditious in others, and on the whole oleaginous and boxy. He is to be feared and stopped. And I've tried, Lord knows, I've tried. But it is very difficult to wrestle an oily crate to the ground. Perhaps a recounting of some of his exploits will raise the appropriate alarm in you, faithful persons. To date, he has, among other things, completed or attempted the following things:
1) Has attempted to kill Christopher Buckley on 17 separate occasions. Attempt 1-15 failed, 16 suceeded, and he failed again with the 17th. Buckley now taunts him by sending him notes on Brooks Brothers stationery (which I didn't even know they made) saying simply, "thanks for the nap." No one is quite sure why Crouchback wished death on Mr. Buckley, but it is suspected that the character of Colonel Murfletit in Buckley's Little Green Men was based on Crouchback, who was not pleased with the characterization.
2) Speaks French with a Ugandan accent, Japanese with a Dutch accent, and English like a cross between Cartman and Deputy Dog.
3) Considers Communists and Anarchists too wimpy and lacking in vision. Once harangued Manuel Ortega for three hours with his concept of "Super-Awesome Communardenvironarchy." Ortega was later heard to say (in Spanish) "Dude, that guy is hard-[blanking]-core! PLEASE keep him AWAY from me." The former Nicaraguan leader had also wet himself sometime during Crouchback's oration.
4) Uses his immense physical size to annoy others. For example, his favorite pastime, besides murder, is to go to a children's movie, find the smallest child in the theater, and then sit directly in front of him or her, even if he must evict the person currently occupying the seat he wants. If the child or his/her parent complains, Crouchback immediately yells to the entire theater choice information about the existence of various holiday figures. If the child indicates that he or she is unimpressed by this revelation, he leans in to within an inch of the child's face, bares his vampiric canines (he has them sharpened, but they were abnormally long to begin with) and says quietly, "I'll see you in your dreams." The last child he did this to had to be institutionalized. Granted, it was at one of the better boarding schools, but the kid was still pretty freaked out.
5) Prefers Leno to Letterman, and Larry King to all others.
6) Has not actually read any Evelyn Waugh, and reveals as much by pronouncing said author's first name as "Robert."
7) Is friends with one John Flory, who is a known avowed avower of vows.
8) Played chess with Death, and strangled Death to death after the latter would not acknowledge "king me" as a legal chess move.
9) Has an SUV which he keeps running always. When it is parked, he has a robot that fuels the vehicle before it runs out of gas (about every 15 minutes). The robot is fueled by the blood of third-world children, and the fuel the robot uses to replenish the SUV is flown by jet from whaterver is the farthest point in the U.S. (including Alaska and Hawaii) relative to the SUV. Furthermore, the jet uses an extremely sophisticated targeting system to guide the drop to the nearest point to the SUV which is also occupied by cute little puppies or kittens. The targeting system will also trade off a little more distance from the target in order to crush a greater number of puppies or kittens.
10) Has not noticed that I've revived my blog. ¶ 10:48
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This is a wholly accurate characterization that I will attest to in a court of law. But you should also add
11) Does not appreciate that Don Gately returned to blogging after a long hiatus and immediately began posting more frequently and more interestingly than Guy Crouchback.
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11) Does not appreciate that Don Gately returned to blogging after a long hiatus and immediately began posting more frequently and more interestingly than Guy Crouchback.
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