Saturday, October 11, 2008
Older And Crankier
What do you do when you realize that you're beginning to hate most of your friends? By "friends", I don't really mean friends, I mean the co-workers whom you allow to masquerade as friends in your mind, since making new friends is hard, especially the older you get.
I attended a social function with these people last night, and while it was all cordial and even convivial, into it some of this new feeling seeped. While they are fun and usually engaging, I sense a meanness about them. This may be all in my head, and I don't mean that in a pro forma way, but they seem so sure of themselves and so smug in thinking that they are smarter (than who I'm not sure) and better than everyone else. That they are often self-deprecating doesn't erase that impression. After all, they're only being self-deprecating in comparing themselves unfavorably to their peer group, so I don't think that counts. There's something un-reflective in this smugness which makes it still more unattractive. As an example-and I know I risk being exposed as unfair, given the subject-last night one of them drunkenly disparaged "trickle down economics" while wholly missing the irony that this type of economic practice almost certainly made his nice six-figure salary possible. Politics aside, it just seemed stupidly nasty. After all, who is he really insulting? Given that it was apropos of nothing when he said it, was it just inchoate rage that had to bleed out somehow? This is a minor example which I've dwelt upon too long and gives the impression that this is outsized in my mind. It's only intended as a small example. But weight it all in your mind and make of it what you will-you'll probably have a clearer picture of it than I do.
What really bothers me is the impression that these people really hate those who they view as inferior. I mean, I've heard them occasionally mouth platitudes about equality and all that, but it mainly serves as cover for them to go on nastily disparaging all who don't hold the views of their herd. The hatred of those they view as stupid staggers me. They're all nice to me, of course, which is why I feel a little guilty and petty writing this. But I'm feeling less guilty and petty with each passing day. And that, I'm willing to admit, may be part and parcel of the hardening of me, and a growing unwarranted intolerance on my part. Perhaps I am being grossly unfair to them. But though I might think this through and decide that my take on them is wrong, it is probably too late for me to reverse course emotionally.
The worst part about it is that I don't really need them in the first place, so I'm both wasting my time and wrecking my view of them, perhaps unfairly, by socializing with them outside of work. But I'll probably get over it and go to the parties, having a beer while trying to steer the conversation to something "nice". That's not the worst part after all. The worst part is why can't I just go to things with these people and not think about this crap? Does it do me any good? Does it change anything? It's all so stupid. ¶ 23:27
I attended a social function with these people last night, and while it was all cordial and even convivial, into it some of this new feeling seeped. While they are fun and usually engaging, I sense a meanness about them. This may be all in my head, and I don't mean that in a pro forma way, but they seem so sure of themselves and so smug in thinking that they are smarter (than who I'm not sure) and better than everyone else. That they are often self-deprecating doesn't erase that impression. After all, they're only being self-deprecating in comparing themselves unfavorably to their peer group, so I don't think that counts. There's something un-reflective in this smugness which makes it still more unattractive. As an example-and I know I risk being exposed as unfair, given the subject-last night one of them drunkenly disparaged "trickle down economics" while wholly missing the irony that this type of economic practice almost certainly made his nice six-figure salary possible. Politics aside, it just seemed stupidly nasty. After all, who is he really insulting? Given that it was apropos of nothing when he said it, was it just inchoate rage that had to bleed out somehow? This is a minor example which I've dwelt upon too long and gives the impression that this is outsized in my mind. It's only intended as a small example. But weight it all in your mind and make of it what you will-you'll probably have a clearer picture of it than I do.
What really bothers me is the impression that these people really hate those who they view as inferior. I mean, I've heard them occasionally mouth platitudes about equality and all that, but it mainly serves as cover for them to go on nastily disparaging all who don't hold the views of their herd. The hatred of those they view as stupid staggers me. They're all nice to me, of course, which is why I feel a little guilty and petty writing this. But I'm feeling less guilty and petty with each passing day. And that, I'm willing to admit, may be part and parcel of the hardening of me, and a growing unwarranted intolerance on my part. Perhaps I am being grossly unfair to them. But though I might think this through and decide that my take on them is wrong, it is probably too late for me to reverse course emotionally.
The worst part about it is that I don't really need them in the first place, so I'm both wasting my time and wrecking my view of them, perhaps unfairly, by socializing with them outside of work. But I'll probably get over it and go to the parties, having a beer while trying to steer the conversation to something "nice". That's not the worst part after all. The worst part is why can't I just go to things with these people and not think about this crap? Does it do me any good? Does it change anything? It's all so stupid. ¶ 23:27
