Saturday, October 03, 2009
Saw XXVI
Saw XXVI
By Leigh Whannel IV with Shecky Mailer
[Setting: A grimy warehouse, one in which Jigsaw has doubtless tormented prisoners for decades. Two men are strapped into chairs, about 10 feet apart, facing each other.]
Man 1 [waking up-groggy]
Where-what is this place?
Man 2 [also groggy]
Looks like a warehouse where some guy might imprison people and force them to make horrific moral choices.
Man 1
Oh, right. So, I’m Bob.
Dave
Dave. Good to meet you Bob.
Bob
Darn, shouldn’t have exchanged names. It’ll make it that much harder when, well, you know.
Dave
Yeah.
Jigsaw
Welcome.
Bob
Yo.
Dave
‘Sup.
Jigsaw
I take it you guys know the drill?
Dave
Think so. You’re Jigsaw and we have to make a choice such that to preserve one’s own life we must take another's.
Jigsaw
Well, sort of.
Dave
Sort of?
Jigsaw
This choice [ominously] is even worse.
Bob
Great.
Dave
How could it be worse?
Jigsaw
Because this time you’ll both have to live with the consequences of your actions.
Bob
We get to live?
Dave
Yeah, man, what the fuck?
Jigsaw
[slightly exasperated] Shut up. Look on the floor between you. Do you see anything?
Dave
Other than the Snickers bar?
Bob
Just the Snickers. Is the thing underneath the Snickers? Or is the Snickers an IED?*
Jigsaw
NO! The Snickers IS the, uh, thing!
Bob
OK
Dave
Yeah, all right. Keep yer pants on, ‘Saw.
Jigsaw
Goddammit you two. Anyway, here’s what you must do. First-
Bob
...
Dave
...
Jigsaw
One of you must take the Snickers. Otherwise...
Bob
Yeah?
Dave
No, please, Jigsaw, stretch this out some more. I have all afternoon.
Jigsaw
[even more dramatically] The other will take it!
Bob
And?
Dave
[sighs]
Jigsaw
Whoever takes it must eat it! And the other must watch!
Bob
[long pause] Well, I guess that does kind of suck for whoever doesn’t get the Snickers. I mean, I am kind of hungry. But what then?
Jigsaw
What do you mean, “what then”? The victor gets to eat the whole Snickers! And the other survivor will take what remains of his shattered soul and depart, only to infect the world with my imputed evil!
Bob
Wait-”other survivor”?
Dave
“Imputed”?
Jigsaw
Yes, you both will live. Though one of you will wish he was dead.
Dave
Way to chuck the zero sum cornerstone of a franchise, dude.
Bob
Yeah, the terror, the terror.
Jigsaw
Look, jerkoffs, I’m tired. Not everything can be some tension-packed life-taking horror show. Plus I’m kind of sick of the cleanup. Even we sociopaths think guts are gross.
Bob
Well, it is your game.
Dave
Now, how do we get to the Snickers? I can’t really move here.
Bob
Yeah, I am kind of hungry. Prepare to watch me eat a yummy Snickers in front of your sad ass, Dave.
Dave
Nuh-uh. I’ll be eating a Snickers too!
Bob
That doesn’t make any sense. Did you listen to how the game works? Only [voice trails off]
Jigsaw
[cackling ominously] It begins.
THE END
*IED: Improvised Explosive Device. Used to kill and maim soldiers from the U.S. and many Western nations, before everyone decided that terrorism was a hoax.
¶ 09:06 By Leigh Whannel IV with Shecky Mailer
[Setting: A grimy warehouse, one in which Jigsaw has doubtless tormented prisoners for decades. Two men are strapped into chairs, about 10 feet apart, facing each other.]
Man 1 [waking up-groggy]
Where-what is this place?
Man 2 [also groggy]
Looks like a warehouse where some guy might imprison people and force them to make horrific moral choices.
Man 1
Oh, right. So, I’m Bob.
Dave
Dave. Good to meet you Bob.
Bob
Darn, shouldn’t have exchanged names. It’ll make it that much harder when, well, you know.
Dave
Yeah.
Jigsaw
Welcome.
Bob
Yo.
Dave
‘Sup.
Jigsaw
I take it you guys know the drill?
Dave
Think so. You’re Jigsaw and we have to make a choice such that to preserve one’s own life we must take another's.
Jigsaw
Well, sort of.
Dave
Sort of?
Jigsaw
This choice [ominously] is even worse.
Bob
Great.
Dave
How could it be worse?
Jigsaw
Because this time you’ll both have to live with the consequences of your actions.
Bob
We get to live?
Dave
Yeah, man, what the fuck?
Jigsaw
[slightly exasperated] Shut up. Look on the floor between you. Do you see anything?
Dave
Other than the Snickers bar?
Bob
Just the Snickers. Is the thing underneath the Snickers? Or is the Snickers an IED?*
Jigsaw
NO! The Snickers IS the, uh, thing!
Bob
OK
Dave
Yeah, all right. Keep yer pants on, ‘Saw.
Jigsaw
Goddammit you two. Anyway, here’s what you must do. First-
Bob
...
Dave
...
Jigsaw
One of you must take the Snickers. Otherwise...
Bob
Yeah?
Dave
No, please, Jigsaw, stretch this out some more. I have all afternoon.
Jigsaw
[even more dramatically] The other will take it!
Bob
And?
Dave
[sighs]
Jigsaw
Whoever takes it must eat it! And the other must watch!
Bob
[long pause] Well, I guess that does kind of suck for whoever doesn’t get the Snickers. I mean, I am kind of hungry. But what then?
Jigsaw
What do you mean, “what then”? The victor gets to eat the whole Snickers! And the other survivor will take what remains of his shattered soul and depart, only to infect the world with my imputed evil!
Bob
Wait-”other survivor”?
Dave
“Imputed”?
Jigsaw
Yes, you both will live. Though one of you will wish he was dead.
Dave
Way to chuck the zero sum cornerstone of a franchise, dude.
Bob
Yeah, the terror, the terror.
Jigsaw
Look, jerkoffs, I’m tired. Not everything can be some tension-packed life-taking horror show. Plus I’m kind of sick of the cleanup. Even we sociopaths think guts are gross.
Bob
Well, it is your game.
Dave
Now, how do we get to the Snickers? I can’t really move here.
Bob
Yeah, I am kind of hungry. Prepare to watch me eat a yummy Snickers in front of your sad ass, Dave.
Dave
Nuh-uh. I’ll be eating a Snickers too!
Bob
That doesn’t make any sense. Did you listen to how the game works? Only [voice trails off]
Jigsaw
[cackling ominously] It begins.
THE END
*IED: Improvised Explosive Device. Used to kill and maim soldiers from the U.S. and many Western nations, before everyone decided that terrorism was a hoax.
